It occurred to me earlier that today is June 19th. Five years ago, my son, Ryan, graduated from high school. On that day, I was staying in a beautiful rented Victorian house on Long Beach Island, NJ, with many of my girlfriends. I remember having to borrow a friends van to make the trip back to Pemberton because my car wasn't running. Despite stormy weather that day, Ryan's graduation went on as planned, outside. My daughter and both my sisters were with me. We screamed loudly from the stands and made enough noise to have Ryan look up at us with that smile of his and shake his head. I remember at one point waiting with my camera poised on him because I knew at some moment he was going to be unable to resist looking at us and I was right. When I showed the proof to him later via the photo, he smiled and shook his head some more.

I had known he would look at us eventually.

I remember that Ryan hadn't wanted to walk to receive his diploma at the ceremony. Ryan always shied away from the limelight and his high school graduation was no different. I put my foot down about that quickly; and later Ryan told me that he had enjoyed going to the ceremony. I was so proud of him that day. We had been through so much as a family and it seemed a huge victory to see both my children overcome adversity to make it to their special days. (My daughter, Jessica, had graduated from the Honors College at Rutgers University a month to the day earlier) There had been so many prayers and tears shed by myself wondering if we would make it  on a day to day basis. This day was a victory for all of us, a testimony to how far we had come. 

Ryan had plans to attend Auto Mechanics school the following January. He needed time to save for the things he would need so beginning in September hadn't been an option. He questioned his decision from time to time but I reassured him that we would be okay, that God would help us as He had up to this point. Ryan was never a scolarly kind of kid, he was hands on like his father. He had a way with mechanics, how things were put together, how they ran. I was confident that tech school was the way for him to go.

Ryan never got to go to school in January. He died in a tragic car accident on August 12 of that year. I often wonder if he'd have been a certified mechanic now, perhaps providing for a family of his own. Memories of his high school graduation are more valuable to me than ever. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow, but we can make the most of today. I 'm so grateful that Ryan and I were able to be close and not have regrets that many parents of young adults do. When I look back to June 19, 2006 I still see it as a victorious day, a day that symbolized so much more for us than just an end to high school.  A day of memories never to be forgotten and all the more precious now because my son is no longer here physically but is in God's memory.