Twenty five years ago...

Today marks twenty-five years since I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy: Ryan Michael. He was 8 lbs and 20 1/2 " and perfect in every way. Twenty-five years ago, you could still be surprised by whether your baby was a boy or a girl and my husband and I decided to be surprised, rather than let the ultrasound tech tell us what she thought. I remember my husband telling me how beautiful he was and my mother shot 2 polaroids of him as they whisked him away to the nursery. He was a robust little guy: barrel chested and brawny even then. He stayed with me in the room the first 3 days of life and rarely did I let the nurses take him to let me rest. I remember him having a bit of jaundice and the nurse told me I may need to go home without him. "NO WAY" was my response and I cried while praying that the light they use for such a condition would help. It did, and we got to go home together.

My daughter, Jessica, was 4 at the time and she was enamored with her little brother! She was a mom to him and had him with her all the time, Ryan was such a joy! He had the rosiest cheeks and white blond curls. He was such a happy baby, I rarely remember having trouble with him in any way. He was a bruiser, though. He was a tough guy and friends would kid us about how he was going to be our own "Bam-Bam".

Time went on and he became precisely that. He was a joy to be around and usually had a smile on his face! There were times when I thought there would never be enough money in the budget to fill his clothing or food bills, but we always managed.

He and Jessica were close, closer than I think most children are. There were times she wanted to beat him, like the time he took her Bubble tape that she had been saving, and ate all but one small piece he left for her, because, as he put it, "She waited too long to eat it!" As if, it had been calling to him all that time!

Ryan was always goofy, too. He and his cousin, Alan, were constant companions. They were a mere four months apart in age, and if you looked for one, you usually found the other not far behind. They were a couple of cornballs, and spent years watching WCW wrestling, Nascar, baseball, basketball and football. They played Playstation for entire days and both watched Tommy Boy til it was nearly worn out! They would coerce Jessica into making them countless grilled cheese sandwiches, chocolate chip cookies and anything else they could get her to make rather than get up themselves.

So many memories...

As many of you know, I started this page after I lost Ryan on August 12, 2006, in a horrific car accident. My garden became an obsession, a way to fill the void left by the loss of my big "little " boy. Even after nearly 7 years, the pain of heart can nearly cut me in two at times, especially near his birthday. There's something in a mother, whether it's instinct or something else, that is programmed to kick in at certain times. I'm convinced of it. I can only say that I am sooo glad to have all the good memories his life added to mine, albeit the short period of time he was here, and I will hold dear every one of them close to my heart  until I get to hold all 6'4" and 240 lbs. of him in my arms again...